


Baps Out For Bieber

by GhostofBambi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drunk Texting, F/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-04-24 05:31:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19166779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostofBambi/pseuds/GhostofBambi
Summary: One very drunk woman reacts unexpectedly strongly to one utterly bizarre social media call-out





	1. What Do You Mean?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ohpottermycaptain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohpottermycaptain/gifts).



> This fic is inspired, insanely, by the real life CIRCUS that is Justin Bieber calling Tom Cruise out for a physical fight on Twitter, and by my beautiful Chara, who straight-up shoved the idea for this story directly into my head by making a flatly damning accusation in a WhatsApp group chat that made me shriek with laughter, and became the first text message in this fic. I hope you guys enjoy!

**Monday**

**James Potter's iPhone — 10th June 2019, 8:16 p.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447651 084351 (Unknown)

**************

**Unknown:** Tom Cruise is a coward

 **James:** um  
wtf?

 **Unknown:** You heard me

 **James** **:** who is this?

 **Unknown:** LET TOM CRUISE GET PUNCHED

 **James:** right  
i think you might have the wrong number  
but based on these texts i'm also gutted that you do?

 **Unknown** **:** Can't have the wrong number if I was given your number, can I?

 **James:** again, who is this?  
and who gave you my number?

 **Unknown** **:** LOL I'm not telling you who I am  
I know who you are I watch Louis Theroux  
Current events!  
You'll hunt me down and send them after me and they'll leave my dog's ear in my bed  
as a warning and also as a threat  
but the joke's on you my dog is a plushie  
not even REAL, son

 **James** **:** dogs are morons who don't know shit  
if you're going to have a dog plushie it deserves to have its ear cut off  
secondly, who's them?

 **Unknown:** THE SCIENTOLOGISTS

 **James** **:** um

 **Unknown:** I know who you are okay

 **James** **:** i feel like you really probably don't

 **Unknown:** I know who you are  
I know he can't fight until you say so  
I know you're his fucking cult papa  
But I deserve to have this  
The world deserves to have this  
JUSTIN BIEBER deserves to have this  
nobody wants a Conor McGregor substitute that man is the shame of my nation

 **James** **:** deserves what???

 **Unknown:** And don't you DARE cut Feliz Navidog's ear off

 **James** **:** you named your stuffed animal feliz navidog?

 **Unknown:** It was era appropriate I got him for Christmas  
Why are we even having this conversation anyway when I'm just here to get you to release Tom Cruise so he and justin can fisticuffs at dawn

 **James** **:** real question, are you drunk?

 **Unknown:** That's hardly relevant.

 **James** **:** i sort of think it is

 **Unknown:** Yeah, I've had a few  
Does that make me a suppressive person??  
Glug glug glug in that case.

 **James** **:** okay, seriously who gave you this number?

 **Unknown:** A reliable source.

 **James** **:** named?

 **Unknown:** A RELIABLE SOURCE

 **James** **:** your reliable source's name is a reliable source?

 **Unknown:** YOU  
are David Miscavige

 **James** **:** i feel like you meant for that to be a really dramatic accusation but i have no idea who that is

 **Unknown:** And that's EXACTLY what David Miscavige would say  
You've got fingers in lots of pies  
White House  
Illuminati  
MI5  
Pentagon  
Covfefe  
Greggs the bakers

 **James** **:** greggs the bakers?!

 **Unknown:** James Corden STILL has a job over there and nobody even likes him  
how did that happen if not because of you  
Why was he hosting the Tony awards when we have Rachel Bloom!?!  
Who gave you the right to make that call?  
I mean okay that's a step up from Kevin Spacey so like congrats I guess but still, way to phone it in

 **James** **:** fucking hell lmfao

 **Unknown:** carpool conspiracy

 **James** **:** you think that i'm the head of the church of scientology  
who according to google lives in california and is 35 years older than me  
and that i have a uk phone number, like just in case  
and your mate happens to have it on them  
because that makes sense

 **Unknown:** I misguided Justin Bieber  
He's just a plucky kid with a dream that can't come true and i will follow him on spotify to show my support

 **James** **:** you mean misjudged?

 **Unknown:** From scientology.org.uk:  
David Miscavige is the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion. From his position as Chairman of the Board Religious Technology Center (RTC), Mr. Miscavige bears the ultimate responsibility for ensuring the standard and pure application of L. Ron Hubbard's technologies and Keeping Scientology Working.

 **James** **:** why are you showing me this?  
if i'm david miscavige  
wouldn't i know this about myself?

 **Unknown:** Because nowhere in that blurb does it say that you're a FUCKING LINGUISTICS PROFESSOR

 **James** **:** I AM NOT DAVID MISCAVIGE

 **Unknown:** I DON'T BELIEVE YOU

 **James** **:** i can't  
i'm so confused  
this is the most confused i've ever been in my life  
and i sat through most of inception  
i'm genuinely terrified that you're going to come at me with a machete if i can't somehow persuade a hollywood superstar i've never met to fight justin bieber  
who i've also never met  
i once saw conor mcgregor coming out of a hotel in london but apparently he's a nonentity here  
i like rachel bloom i don't deserve this

 **Unknown:** YOU LEAVE RACHEL BLOOM ALONE

 **James** **:** like honestly i'm not shitting you  
but did my cat put you up to this

 **Unknown:** Typical scientologist, think the cat's talking to you

 **James** **:** you don't know my cat

 **Unknown:** Your cat is a cult and so are you.

 **James** **:** you know what?  
i've changed my mind  
i, david miscavige, ecclesiastical leader of the scientology religion, will allow tom cruise to fight justin bieber at the first light of dawn  
i'll have him released from his sensory deprivation stasis pod immediately

 **Unknown:** FINALLY

 **James** **:** are you happy now?  
you drunk weirdo

 **Unknown:** Very happy thank you David  
I shall tweet Justin Bieber and let him know  
URGH brb my friend just leapt off the balcony  
Gotta go save his life

 **James** **:** ?!?!????!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!?


	2. Is It Too Late Now To Say Sorry?

**Tuesday**

**Lily Evans's iPhone — 11th June 2019, 8:28 a.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447860 681811 (Scientology Wanker)

**************

**Scientology Wanker:** sorry to bother you when your head is probably in a toilet  
but i urgently need to know if you tweeted justin bieber  
also if the person who jumped off the balcony survived  
that was NOT a cliffhanger i appreciated

 **Lily:** Uuuuuurrrrrrgghhhhhjskdldlelrlelzlslvlkjljkijoiuicfdtrdtrd

 **Scientology Wanker:** you ok?

 **Lily:** Yes.  
I just thought I'd open with a bit of self-pitying, hungover twaddle so you would see how repugnantly drunk I was and not judge me for any of the texts I sent you last night.  
As it is blindingly clear to me this morning that you are not, in fact, David Miscavige.

 **Scientology Wanker:** ecclesiastical leader of the scientology religion?  
nah, sadly not  
I'm guessing tom cruise didn't show up at dawn?

 **Lily:** He did not.

 **Scientology Wanker:** how dare he

 **Lily:** I'm so sorry for sending you all of those texts last night.  
I'm so embarrassed.

 **Scientology Wanker:** it's fine, my mum had popped over for a visit and i was stuck listening to her mouth off about murdering david benioff  
which is what she does when she's not trying to redecorate my flat  
that's a different david to the one you're not happy with, incidentally  
you livened things up

 **Lily:** Big GoT fan, is she?

 **Scientology Wanker:** and the biggest cersei fan  
she thinks she should have won everything in the end  
still deeply offended several weeks later  
she said she didn't invest all these years of her life to see the cleverest woman in the show brought down by a bleach job and her big ugly gecko

 **Lily:** Lol, so why Benioff and not Weiss?

 **Scientology Wanker:** she thinks he's the ringleader  
says he "bullies the little one"

 **Lily:** Oh my god.  
Poor Dan Weiss, struggling in silence.  
Tell your mum from me that I'm also offended, not because of Cersei but because of how Arya and Gendry ended.

 **Scientology Wanker:** I KNOW what was that about??  
bad season for romance all round

 **Lily:** They gave me EVERYTHING then took it all away.

 **Scientology Wanker:** in her defence, gendry's a stage five clinger

 **Lily:** Lol, he took his shot a little early, didn't he?

 **Scientology Wanker:** tbh i can't judge

 **Lily:** Neither can I.  
I've clearly done worse things whilst drunk than propose to someone.  
As you've witnessed.

 **Scientology Wanker:** i would have proposed to the girl i'd fancied at school if she had ever slept with me and i didn't have mates decent enough to stop me  
but it's not like either of them died, so you never know  
maybe one day they'll find each other again

 **Lily:** Is that what you tell yourself about the girl from school?

 **Scientology Wanker:** oh yeah constantly  
man's gotta have a dream

 **Lily:** Is it your dream to be sincerely apologised to?  
If so (please prepare yourself for a clever segue) I actually have one of those to offer you.

 **Scientology Wanker:** didn't you already?

 **Lily:** Not FULLY.  
Not with the appropriate pathos and shame.  
Believe me, there is a lot of shame.  
The pathos is for flavour and fun.

 **Scientology Wanker:** honestly it's fine, i wasn't angry

 **Lily:** You should have been.  
I insulted you and I believe your cat also.  
And I railroaded you into pretending to be David Miscavige just to get me off your back.

 **Scientology Wanker:** it wasn't to get you off my back  
i thought it was hilarious, but you seemed very worked up so i thought it would make you feel better  
if you feel the need to apologise you can go for it now if you like  
i've got about ten more minutes before i have to leave my flat

 **Lily:** Okay, well. Yes.  
Firstly.  
I am deeply, deeply ashamed of my uncouth behaviour.  
I sincerely apologise for harassing you. **  
**My only explanation is that I was uncharacteristically drunk last night, and when I found out that Justin Bieber called out Tom Cruise for a fight on Twitter I became insanely enraged by the idea that he wouldn't accept the challenge.  
Which in itself makes no sense. I have no vested interest in either of them.  
The fact that I actually believed Remus when he said he had David Miscavige's phone number will hopefully indicate just how drunk I was.

 **Scientology Wanker:** haha, one of many indicators, really  
wait  
wait

 **Lily:** Wait?

 **Scientology Wanker:** did remus lupin give you my number?

 **Lily:** Yes he did.  
You know him?  
Oh god, I'm so sorry.  
I was hoping he'd just made a number up at random.  
I wanted to ask him this morning but he's still in his bedroom. I assume he's sleeping off the residual effects of the poison we were all drinking last night.

 **Scientology Wanker:** hang on just one sec, would you?

 **Lily:** Sure?

*****

**Remus Lupin's iPhone — 11th June 2019, 8:50 a.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447860 681811 (James Potter)

**************

**James:** REALLY REMUS???  
REALLY??  
THE FUCKING SCIENTOLOGY GUY???  
APSOKGPOSDKHAERJETJSRTJRT  
THANKS  
THANKS  
THANKS BUDDY  
FRIENDSHIP MEANS NOTHING TO YOU IT TURNS OUT  
I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK  
SEVERAL HEART ATTACKS  
NOW I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE COOL LIKE THE FUCKING FONZ HEEEEEEYYYY  
WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO JUMP A SHARK?  
SHE'LL PROBABLY SEE THROUGH IT  
I BET SHE'LL SEE THROUGH IT  
I AM HOPELESS  
I HAVE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY NOW REMUS YOU FUCKING BASTARD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 **Remus:** I've been wondering for years, you know.  
Where  
Where are James's capital letters?  
He never uses them.  
Where did they go?  
And now I know.  
You were saving them for this.

*****

**Lily Evans's iPhone — 11th June 2019, 8:54 a.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447860 681811 (Scientology Wanker)

**************

**Scientology Wanker:** weird question  
but you're with remus on some spanish island right now, aren't you?  
in his girlfriend's family's villa? bunch of you flew out yesterday?

 **Lily:** Fuerteventura.  
Yes, we did.

 **Scientology Wanker:** thought so  
remus is an absolute wanker

 **Lily:** I'm sorry, who is this?

 **Scientology Wanker:** james potter

 **Lily:** JAMES POTTER?

 **Scientology Wanker:** that's me

 **Lily:** Oh my god.  
I KNOW you!

 **Scientology Wanker:** though my friends call me david miscavige

 **Lily:** It's Lily Evans.

 **Scientology Wanker:** yeah i guessed it was you

 **Lily:** How?

 **Scientology Wanker:** sophisticated process of elimination  
hi

 **Lily:** Oh my god hi!  
I can't believe it's you! This is so cool!  
And also ten times more embarrassing somehow?

 **Scientology Wanker:** hahaha, you shouldn't be embarrassed  
i've done stupider things perfectly sober  
how've you been?

 **Lily:** I've been really good! Aside from getting smashed and accusing you of being Tom Cruise's cult papa, obviously.

 **Scientology Wanker:** cult papa's a good term for it and david miscavige should, imo, wield it proudly like a noble greatsword

 **Lily:** God, of COURSE he gave me your number.  
I was telling him yesterday that I haven't seen you in years and asking how you were.  
And on that note, I haven't seen you in years!

 **Scientology Wanker:** not since booth's 21st i think

 **Lily:** Oh yeah!  
Wasn't that when we wound up squashed on that sofa at 4 in the morning watching all the Cake Boss episodes she'd recorded?  
And I fell asleep and dribbled really unattractively on your shoulder? That was such a fun night.

 **Scientology Wanker:** was that her party?  
can't really remember

 **Lily:** Yeah, it definitely was because she had that "21" birthday confetti everywhere and you had to pick a piece of it off my face when I woke up.  
Hah, no wonder I haven't seen you since. **  
** How have you been?

 **Scientology Wanker:** i've been good, except this really dribbly girl i used to go to school with messaged me last night thinking i was scientology's final boss

 **Lily:** Oh my god.

 **Scientology Wanker:** wait, who jumped off the balcony??

 **Lily:** Kingsley.

 **Scientology Wanker:** shacklebolt??  
that seems a bit un-shacklebolty

 **Lily:** Oh, he's literally the most calm and sensible person in the world until he's drunk and then he unleashes like a force of nature.  
He decided to jump from the balcony into the pool last night because he wanted to he 'do a vine.'  
Apparently, he'd forgotten that vine isn't a thing anymore.  
He mildly hurt his ankle but he's fine, absolutely fine.  
And yes, I did tweet Justin Bieber.

 **Scientology Wanker:** hah! what did you say?

 **Lily:** Whatever it was, I deleted it at 6 in the morning when I first woke up, and since I'm not famous I'm pretty sure nobody took a screenshot.  
Which means I'm in the clear and never have to tell you.

 **Scientology Wanker:** i mean, i think after all the harassment i endured…

 **Lily:** Which you said was FINE.

 **Scientology Wanker:** if you were going to tell anyone it should definitely be me

 **Lily:** I don't even like Justin Bieber!  
I wasn't even following him. I know maybe one of his songs.

 **Scientology Wanker:** oh sure, change the subject

 **Lily:** But I've apparently downloaded the This Is Justin Bieber playlist on Spotify so there must have been a half hour where I was really determined to become a fan.

 **Scientology Wanker:** they're called beliebers get it right  
you should listen to all of the songs on the playlist

 **Lily:** LOL as penance?

 **Scientology Wanker:** no, so you can report back on all of them and keep me entertained  
you're having a nice holiday while i'm back at home slugging it out at work

 **Lily:** What are you doing for work now?

 **Scientology Wanker:** still cooking

 **Lily:** In Bournemouth, right?

 **Scientology Wanker:** nah, i caved and agreed to work for mum last year

 **Lily:** So you're back in London?

 **Scientology Wanker:** have been since september

 **Lily:** Whaaaaaaaaaat I can't believe Remus never told me!  
What a shit! I'm pushing him in the pool.  
Is it good? Working for your mum, I mean.

 **Scientology Wanker:** it's really fun most days  
i'm a sous chef now and she let me redesign the menu for the spring  
but we're going to a food safety and allergens conference today so, you know  
kill me thanks

 **Lily:** Oh, that's so cool!  
Not the conference, which sounds exponentially worse than this hangover hah also haha sucks to be you.  
But the job! Look at you go, fancy sous chef.  
I knew she'd gotten a Michelin star but I didn't know you were working for her!

 **Scientology Wanker:** it was MY mini crab burgers that got her that star don't listen if she tells you otherwise

 **Lily:** i would never betray you like that

 **Scientology Wanker:** maybe i should poison her  
oust her from her top seat, take over the place

 **Lily:** And turn it into London's prime scientology hub?

 **Scientology Wanker:** exactly  
come for the crab burgers, stay for the unsubtle brainwashing  
also i should have left a few minutes ago

 **Lily:** Ack, don't let me keep you from your conference, you must be giddy with excitement!  
Go go go!

 **Scientology Wanker:** lol  
you have a super fun day and drown remus in the pool for me, yeah?

 **Lily:** Trust me, I'll drown him for the both of us.

*****

**James Potter's iPhone — 11th June 2019, 1:41 p.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447561 084351 (Lily Evans)

**************

**Lily:** Is the conference as thrilling as you'd hoped?

*****

**Remus Lupin's iPhone — 11th June 2019, 1:41 p.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447860 681811 (James Potter)

**************

**James:** SHE JUST TEXTED ME AGAIN  
LIKE I HADN'T TEXTED HER AND SHE JUST TEXTED ME  
UNSOLICITED  
NOBODY TRICKED HER OR ANYTHING  
ASKING HOW MY DAY IS GOING??? WHAT KIND OF???? WHAT DO I DO?  
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????????  
REMUS HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
YOU STARTED ALL OF THIS  
I KEPT THAT CONFETTI  
WHAT IF SHE KNOWS  
THAT'S PROBABLY WHY SHE BROUGHT IT UP

 **Remus:** Tell her how your day is going.

 **James:** HOW MY DAY IS GOING IS THAT I'VE BEEN IN CARDIAC ARREST FOR THE LAST FIVE HOURS

 **Remus:** Don't tell her that.

*****

**Lily Evans's iPhone — 11th June 2019, 1:44 p.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447860 681811 (James Potter)

**************

**James:** changed my mind about remus, drown me instead

 **Lily:** That bad, is it?

 **James:** i genuinely can't believe i've made it to lunch without putting my head through a window  
my MUM left  
she was like, just popping to the loo! and vanished for 40 minutes  
then she texted me and said it was fine for her to leave because i was paying rapt enough attention for the both of us when she knew for a FACT i'd been playing tetris on my phone  
we'll just poison our customers i guess

 **Lily:** The Michelin star approach.

 **James:** killing your diners is totes avant garde these days

 **Lily:** I personally love playing Russian Roulette with my dinner, remind me to pop by when I'm home.

 **James:** drop my name at the door if you do, friends and relatives get poisoned for free  
it'll be a real cheap death for you

 **Lily:** I can snag a free lift to the morgue and everything.  
Though in a much broader sense, the cost of the ambulance would really be my life and your career.

 **James:** that's roughly what they cost in america  
what have you been up to while i've been suffering?  
my mum told me to say hi but i'm going to pretend i didn't because she abandoned me

 **Lily:** Not much.  
Sitting by the pool, working my way through this Bieber playlist and taking notes.

 **James:** wait, you're actually listening to it?

 **Lily:** You asked me to keep you entertained!

 **James:** yeah but i didn't mean it seriously!  
you're on holiday, you should go enjoy yourself

 **Lily:** It's fine, honestly.  
Bea and Remus took off on some cycling expedition, Mary and Eddie went to the beach to rent jet-skis and Kingley's resting up his ankle, so I've been by myself since just after breakfast.

 **James:** you weren't up for bikes or jet-skis?  
hangover that bad?

 **Lily:** It's not that, really.  
Although yes, the hangover was a nightmare and I'm never drinking Jungle Juice again.  
When we originally planned this trip, it was meant to be just us girls, but then Bea got with Remus and wanted him to come.  
And I mean, I adore Remus and it's been nice to see him again, also it's Bea's house and we're staying here for free, so we couldn't object to him coming when she brought it up.  
But that meant Mary decided to bring Eddie, and then King was invited, I'm guessing because Bea thought that if there were six of us I wouldn't be faced with constant reminders that I'm the only single one?  
So mostly I don't want to third wheel with a couple.

 **James:** that's a bit shit, i'm sorry

 **Lily:** Eh, it's a free villa and I get my own room, so I can't complain.

 **James:** you could secretly wish blistering sunburn upon all of them

 **Lily:** Well, obviously, but I'm not going to admit that out loud.  
ANYWAY, James Potter, would you like to see my never-before-read reactions?

 **James:** more than anything in the world, obviously

 **Lily:** Okay. Here we go.  
This is a work in progress, mind you. I'm here for another thirteen days and for the sake of my sanity and yours I think we ought to spread them out.  
I can only handle so much at a time before I switch to All Out 80s.

 **James:** i have so many 80s playlists on spotify good lord  
80s hits  
all out 80s  
80s xl

 **Lily:** Easy 80s

 **James:** easy 80s  
hahaha, snap

 **Lily:** Truly the greatest musical decade.  
You have no idea how much time I spend crying in my room listening to Bonnie Tyler.

 **James:** what why are you crying in your room?!

 **Lily:** Because I'm listening to Bonnie Tyler.  
You HAVE to cry when you listen to Bonnie Tyler.  
She was specifically engineered for that purpose.  
Anyway, before I lose myself in Africa by Toto for the rest of the day, back to the Biebs.  
The first track on the playlist is an Ed Sheeran song.

 **James:** um

 **Lily:** It features Justin Bieber. Should that count?

 **James:** NO

 **Lily:** The story behind this seems to be that Ed Sheeran is at a party and no longer wants to be at the party.

 **James:** then he should just leave

 **Lily:** Right?!  
But I don't feel there's much artistic licence in just going home for a mug of Horlicks and an early night.  
Like he'd rather stay and despise his evening. More scope for lyrics.  
Ed hates everyone else except his "baby" who I think might be Justin Bieber? At first I thought it might be an actual baby, but then he sang about kissing his baby's lips and there was clear sexual context.  
But honestly it's hard to tell.  
I assume he has friends at this party so it's pretty insulting that he hates them?  
Not wild about Ed's interpersonal skills. 3/10.

 **James:** is justin bieber actually performing in the song or is he just mentioned as one of the guests ed hates?

 **Lily:** I think he's singing in it.  
Definitely mostly Ed Sheeran, though.

 **James:** and that was the first track on a justin bieber playlist?

 **Lily:** Seems that way.

 **James:** that reeks of false advertising  
spotify are swindling us all and will be hearing from my legal team

 **Lily:** You have a legal team?

 **James:** no, but should i? you picked up a law degree a couple of years ago, didn't you?

 **Lily:** Yeah, found it in a cereal box.  
Why do you want a legal team?  
  
**James:** well i have a really diabolical cat  
and i enter into a lot of verbal agreements with him

 **Lily:** LMFAO

 **James:** no i'm serious!  
his name is algernon. he withholds affection to punish me when i've displeased him and i'm not strong enough to refrain from begging his forgiveness  
i've made a lot of big promises that between you and me are unsustainable in the long run  
and one day he's going to find out and when he does remember that i warned you  
he'll pin my murder on someone else  
probably peter

 **Lily:** I think you're projecting a lot of entirely imagined motives onto your cat.

 **James:** fuck  
peter's definitely going to prison


	3. One Less Lonely Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting... well, anything. My brother won the lottery and in the ensuing madness I've been suffering from an annoying bout of writer's block which has hopefully lifted. Fingers crossed, anyway. Luckily, texting fics are pretty easy to rustle up! Now for prose! (the real challenge!)

**Wednesday**

**James Potter's iPhone — 12th June 2019, 8:34 a.m. BST**

**Message from:** +447561 084351 (Lily Evans)

**************

**Lily:** Hey, are you at work yet?

 **James:** leaving in fifteen minutes

 **Lily:** Oh good, I caught you.  
So the next song on the playlist is called "Sorry" and I went into mild shock when I put it on because I know this song but didn't know that it was THIS song?  
I didn't even know that it was a Justin Bieber track!  
Honestly James, I've grown in the past two hours.  
#bievolved  
That's Bieber + Evolved, if you were wondering.

 **James:** lol  
good morning to you too  
i'm fine, thanks for asking

 **Lily:** I knew that you were waiting impatiently for my next Bieber review, okay?  
I didn't feel like a formal greeting was an effective use of our time. 

 **James:** but that explanation was?

 **Lily:** Do you want my review or don't you?  
I'm on holiday, remember? I've got nothing BUT time and I don't appreciate how little you appreciate MY appreciation of the fact that you have to work and therefore have less free time than I do.  
Also, good morning.

 **James:** why have you even been up for the past two hours if you're on holiday?  
you're supposed to sleep in and do nothing on holiday  
it's distressing to me that you don't know how to holiday  
evans  
tell me that you know how to holiday

 **Lily:** The sun was too bright to sleep.

 **James:** you sound like sirius on a dull november evening

 **Lily:** LOL I do, don't I?  
Remember that time he got plastered at Benjy Fenwick's birthday and curled up under the dining room table?

 **James:** "close the shutters, the light offends me"

 **Lily:** Like he was Lord Byron or something. 

 **James:** but there weren't any shutters  
and it was dark outside

 **Lily:** Sirius vs 60 watt bulb.

 **James:** and the bulb won

 **Lily:** How's he doing? I haven't seen you guys in way too long.

 **James:** still living with me, still fighting with global conglomerates via twitter on behalf of the company my father built  
he's really getting into it with five guys at the moment 

 **Lily:** Oh my god, why?

 **James:** because he got a bacon burger while he was twatted drunk and fell asleep on the sofa and the grease from the burger seeped through his takeaway bag and got all over his jeans

 **Lily:** It's truly shocking that a bacon burger from a notoriously unhealthy fast food vendor would be greasy in this day and age.

 **James:** v unreasonable of five guys to not offer grease free burger options  
sirius spent a lot of money on those jeans  
they were deliberately faded and torn to look cheap, how else is he going to keep his fashionable vagabond image untarnished?  
aside from buying actual cheap jeans  
which is apparently out of the question

 **Lily:** If that's what he's going for, the grease patch would add to the overall effect, surely?

 **James:** he didn't appreciate that when i pointed it out

 **Lily:** We'll have to catch up at some point when I get back.  
All of us. We should go to dinner or something.

 **James:** that sounds cool  
where do you want to go? five guys?

 **Lily:** Ooh, yes please. My clothes have been too clean lately.  
I was going to suggest your restaurant but I supposed you'd be unavailable due to all of the cooking of our meals that you'd be doing.

 **James:** haha, yeah, that'd be a bit of a logistical nightmare  
speaking of, i have to leave in five minutes and am yet to hear your thoughts on this bieber song

 **Lily:** Ah yes, goddamn Justin.

 **James:** goddamn justin

 **Lily:** I liked this song, actually. Do you know it?

 **James:** don't think so?

 **Lily:** You'd know it if you heard it.  
It's the one that goes oohoohoohooh oooh oohoohoohooh oooh, and then there's like a little trumpet noise that goes bur bur bur bur bur-bur-bur after the oohoohoohooh oooh oohoohoohooh oooh part? 

 **James:** um

 **Lily:** Not like a trumpet trumpet, more of a happy trumpet.

 **James:** what?

 **Lily:** A joyful trumpet.

 **James:** can't you just tell me the lyrics or something?

 **Lily:** And there are random chicken noises.  
Sort of.  
Like the sound a chicken would make if you snuck up behind it and gave it a fright.

 **James:** have you hit your head on something?

 **Lily:** It's difficult to explain, but honestly listen to it, you'll understand.  
I feel like I should be wearing white linen trousers and waving silk scarves around when I listen to it.  
Ideally in front of an open balcony door while my white voile curtains billow in the wind.  
Or doing yoga whilst drinking a kale shake.  
The weather here may be affecting my sense of occasion.

 **James:** have you like, heard this song at the gym or something, so now you've started to associate it with wellness

 **Lily:** Well, yeah, the gym's the only place where I hear music that was recorded after 2002.

 **James:** because honestly, i'm sure justin bieber is a visionary in some ways  
specifically the part of him that wants to knock tom cruise's block off  
but i don't think he was thinking of white voile curtains and kale shakes when he recorded that song

 **Lily:** We can't know what he was thinking.  
Pondering the deep mysteries, probably.

 **James:** he was probably thinking that he shouldn't drink a kale shake during yoga or he'll spill it all over himself

 **Lily:** Nah, he's definitely not that sensible.

*****

**James Potter's iPhone — 12th June 2019, 12:26 p.m. BST**

**Message from:** +447561 084351 (Lily Evans)

**************

**Lily:** It's really hot here.  
I'm stuck somewhere between feeling like I'm not entitled to my discomfort and too uncomfortable to care.

*****

**Remus Lupin's iPhone — 13th June 2019, 3:11 p.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447860 681811 (James Potter)

**************

**James:** remus  
remus  
remus  
remus  
reeeeeemusssssssssssssssss

 **Remus:** James

 **James:** remus  
yes hello  
she's been texting me again

 **Remus:** Nice to see you’ve stopped shouting.  
That's good news.  
Congratulations, etc.

 **James:** no you don't get it  
this is BAD  
VERY BAD

 **Remus:** The long lamented lost love of your life is texting you, fulfilling your wildest dreams.  
How are you managing to put a negative spin on this?

 **James:** because she's doing it FREELY there's no self-consciousness at all she's just TEXTING like it's a normal thing to do

 **Remus:** Texting is the cornerstone of modern communication, so yes, I think it is a normal thing to do.

 **James:** but she's not hesitating!!!  
i've been AGONISING over what to text her and when i should text her and if i should text her and how i can text her without looking like a bloody bunny boiler because as you previously mentioned she's the long lamented lost love of my life

 **Remus:** If you really can't use capital letters, atone for it by discovering punctuation, I beg you.

 **James:** and i just think that if she liked me AT ALL in the way i like her she wouldn't be sending me these texts willy nilly

 **Remus:** Willy nilly.

 **James:** if she liked me like i like her she'd be panicking like i am so clearly my feelings have never will never can't ever be reciprocated  
and she's so cool and funny and i'm trying to be cool and funny but i think i'm being boring  
I am DYING remus

 **Remus:** You are not dying.

 **James:** figuratively dying

 **Remus:** Have you considered that Lily may be texting you without hesitation because she's mentally sound, and you aren't?

 **James:** of course i have!!!  
you think i'm not examining this from all angles???!!!

 **Remus:** Have you initiated a conversation with her at all since you found out who she was?

 **James:** no  
i CAN'T

 **Remus:** Why can't you?

 **James:** because it's LILY EVANS  
how am i supposed to start a conversation with lily evans???

 **Remus:** Then have you also considered that she may be texting you because she's getting fed up waiting for you to talk to her first?

 **James:** why would she be waiting for me to text her first???

 **Remus:** Because she's very happy to be back in touch with you.

 **James:** how do you know that??

 **Remus:** Because she told me.

 **James:** HOW

 **Remus:** Because we're staying in the same house.  
It's not that difficult to text a woman, and you've managed to make it this far without scaring her off.  
Just relax and be yourself.

 **James:** how do i do that?

 **Remus:** James, you've been yourself for twenty-five years.  
I would have thought you'd be an authority on the subject.

 **James:** remus why would you think that i'm an authority on myself?  
i can barely remember what i ate for breakfast

 **Remus:** You had a bacon and egg McMuffin and a latte.

 **James:** how in the fuck do YOU know that!?!?!

*****

**Lily Evans's iPhone — 13th June 2019, 3:17 p.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447860 681811 (James Potter)

**************

**James:** sorry, was working, just nabbed a 10 minute break  
i hope you're feeling less hot and uncomfortable  
it's really rainy and cold here so congrats on my uncontrollable jealousy

 **Lily:** Uncontrollable?  
Oh dear.  
What have I done?

 **James:** i'm so jealous that i might…  
hmm  
i might lightly thump a chopping board when no one's looking

 **Lily:** Woah. Woah. Woah.  
Calm down.

 **James:** i might say a swear in front of my mum

 **Lily:** You're losing control of yourself.

 **James:** i might visit the pool after work so i can pretend that i, too, am on a spanish island  
but recklessly refuse to wait until thirty minutes after eating  
because i play by my own rules

 **Lily:** Your mother would kill you.

 **James:** she'll kill me for the bad language before i ever make it to the pool

 **Lily:** What swear word do you think you'll break out?

 **James:** idk, something really terrible  
like "blast"

 **Lily:** Poppycock?

 **James:** dagnabit  
i could bite my thumb at her, she's super into shakespeare atm  
she's "just discovered" him, acts like nobody had ever read shakespeare before she stumbled on a copy of romeo and juliet, suddenly she's a literary brian epstein

 **Lily:** That's not even one of his better plays!  
Tell her to read Much Ado, that's superior.  
I've got it on my Kindle and I'm about to head to the beach, might read it on a lounger and feel tres intellectual.

 **James:** why read on the beach when you can build sandcastles  
or look for mermaids  
or take 'sausage or legs?' pics and post them on instagram

 **Lily:** As much as I'd LOVE to post a 'sausage or legs?' pic on Instagram, let's face it, nobody's going to confuse my pasty white legs for cooked sausages.  
My trials are great indeed.  
Anyway, shouldn't you be getting back to work while I waste all my opportunities to find mermaids and build sandcastles?

 **James:** wow  
real cold, evans

 **Lily:** As cold as your weather?

 **James:** the claws are out today, i see

 **Lily:** Claws out for Bieber.

 **James:** #blessed

*****

**Remus Lupin's iPhone — 13th June 2019, 10:02 p.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447860 681811 (James Potter)

**************

**James:** is lily still up?

 **Remus:** Yes, we just got back from dinner.

 **James:** good  
good  
i've spent all evening concocting a plan in my head and i'm going to do it, remus

 **Remus:** Do what?

 **James:** i'm going to be myself

 **Remus:** I'm very underwhelmed.

 **James:** no i'm going to be myself LIKE YOU SAID  
start a conversation  
charm her pants off  
not literally charm them off i'm not a pervy wizard  
don't tell her i said that  
or that i'd like to get her pants off  
i mean i would but that's not the aim  
stop shaming me remus it was a figure of speech  
i'm going to be myself and that's it

 **Remus:** James, you exist in a constant state of yourself-dom.  
Being yourself doesn't require some special effort.  
I'm not printing you a certificate for this.

 **James:** shut up remus i'm working here

*****

**Lily Evans's iPhone — 13th June 2019, 10:08 p.m. BST**

**iMessage from:** +447860 681811 (James Potter)

**************

**James:** oi, evans  
i've come up with a solution to your sausage leg problem

 **Lily:** What is it?

**James:**

****

**Lily:** Oh my GOD you're such a shit!!!!!!!!

 **James:** i think you meant 'genius' but i'll forgive you for the mistake  
because i'm b-e-n-e-v-o-l-e-n-t

 **Lily:** Any particular reason why you spelled that out?

 **James:** emphasis

 **Lily:** You really are That Bitch, huh?

 **James:** #whitechocolatefingersoutforbieber

 **Lily:** I'm going to go to your restaurant and send back all of my food.

 **James:** try it and i'll stick a white chocolate finger in your souffle

 **Lily:** Vaguely sexual threat, but somehow your willingness to cook French food is more alarming.

 **James:** there are downsides to every job evans  
kindly do not remind me of the atrocities i suffer  
i tried to convince my mum to take french food off the menu but she argued that it wouldn't really be 'european cuisine' without french food

 **Lily:** Common sense might have told you that first.

 **James:** you assume i have any  
she made me go with her to the michelin star award ceremony in january  
in paris  
PARIS  
they were celebrating "female chefs and young talent" so she wanted us both there  
then she TRICKED me into an outright holiday after the ceremony  
it was the worst week of my life

 **Lily:** Getting a Michelin star was the worst week of your life?

 **James:** well no that part was good  
but PARIS  
our taxi driver tried to scam us out of €70 for a 10 minute trip when he heard our accents so number 1 parisians are con artists  
number 2 we didn't get to go to disneyland  
number 3 a waiter glared at me when i ordered a steak and just ANNOUNCED that it would be cooked rare without asking me what i wanted

 **Lily:** How do you normally have your steak cooked?

 **James:** rare but that's not the point  
number 4 i fell over getting out of an elevator

 **Lily:** That CLEARLY isn't France's fault.

 **James:** french elevator, french floor  
how AREN'T they to blame?

 **Lily:** So you've never tripped on a floor in any other country?

 **James:** well that's hardly bloody relevant  
is it, casper?

 **Lily:** CASPER?

 **James:** you pale, gurl

 **Lily:** ……………

 **James:** no one recovers from my sick burns

 **Lily:** Wow.  
I suppose Remus must have told you that I got sunburned at the beach.  
I don't particularly find it funny, but okay.

 **James:** what what wait what??  
nooooooooooooooo that's not funny!!  
how did you what why get burned from yonder sun?

 **Lily:** What are you even saying to me right now?

 **James:** i don't know i'm very flustered  
i wasn't laughing at your sunburn i had no idea  
were you using sunscreen you need to be using at least a factor 50 and also a parasol if possible

 **Lily:** A parasol?!?!  
What am I, Amy March?

 **James:** no, evans, obviously you're NOT my least favourite of the little women

 **Lily:** I genuinely wasn't expecting you to get that reference.  
Wow.

 **James:** yeah i know i'm impressive but forget that  
are you ok? does it hurt?  
do you have aftersun?  
just tell remus to make haste to the nearest pharmacy and get you some aloe vera it'll help

 **Lily:** You mean, make haste to yonder pharmacy? 

 **James:** oh very funny

 **Lily:** Why are you talking like a glitchy dialogue bot that accidentally read a few pages from Richard III?

 **James:** because you think i made fun of your sunburn and i didn't and i'm sorry and also concerned

 **Lily:** Relax, I don't think you were making fun of my sunburn, I was messing with you.  
Besides, it was my fault. I forgot to reapply after swimming.  
I looked for mermaids for you, but alas.

 **James:** but are you ok?

 **Lily:** Yeah, I'm fine. Shoulders sting a little, that's all.  
Before you start to soliloquize.  
Plus, I'm ginger, this is basically guaranteed to happen when we go abroad.  
We talk about it on all the secret ginger message boards that nobody knows about.

 **James:** still, make remus get you aloe vera  
he's the one who crashed your trip and turned your girls' holiday into a couples' retreat

 **Lily:** He's also the reason that I initially saved your number in my phone as 'Scientology Wanker'

 **James:** when in fact i only qualify for half of that description

 **Lily:** A scientologist? WOW.  
You kept that bloody quiet.

 **James:** lol, ta for the sneaky compliment, jo

 **Lily:** You're very very welcome, Laurie.


End file.
